the adventures and the things
A sweet summer romance with a Man who cares.
He has a twin-sized bed and pretty eyes.
Hand-rolled joints and Canadian beers.
He popped the yolk without judgement and made the best tofu I've ever had.
You make me nervous and I dim my light. What am I allowed to say? What am I allowed to feel?
You're so loud (I love your band)
Watercolor spiders and images of hatchet-chopped presidents
And I should learn how to pin insects.
The most humid summer of all,
A shy kiss shared at Salmon Hole
as we get eaten alive.
How did we get here?
The first night you slept in my bed we faced away and held hands behind our backs.
I see your face and your hair everywhere I go,
Man who cared.
My mom is at a conference for work in Baltimore right now. Even before her health problems, she didn't do this often. She doesn't go many places and she doesn't hang out with many people. She hangs out with my grandma, my dad, and Mike. She works from home most of the time, especially since COVID. She hasn't gone into the office much since she started having health issues.
But right now, she's at a work conference in Baltimore. She's 5+ hours from home. She's telling me about the new pantsuits she got for the conference and sending me pictures of the cool shoes that she's wearing.
I wonder if she knows how proud of her I am.
One year ago, she came up to me, trembling, tears running down her face with her bottles of medication in her hands. She didn't know which she should take. She didn't know how many she could take. She didn't know when she should take them.
She was a scared child before my very eyes. A 48-year old scared child that did not know what to do.
Now my mom is in Baltimore. And she's sipping wine. My mom doesn't drink, but at the conference each attendee is given a courtesy drink, if they'd like.
I had to console my mom and tell her what to do. I had to ask her grounding questions and instruct her as to what pills to take. She takes the pills and her panic fades.
Now I'm looking at my mother, frail from illness, her face stained with tears.
During my junior year of high school I had a breakdown in my guidance counselor's office after a bad car ride to school with my mother. I needed help and this was my way of finally getting help. None of the adults in my life knew what I was going through. I just wanted help.
My mom didn't sit me down and ask me grounding questions. She didn't instruct me on the correct pills to take.
I wish she instructed me on the correct pills to take.
"She's your problem now."
I've been seeing things out of the corners of my eyes and hearing phone notifications that aren't there.
And I'm so scared for the winter and I'm so scared for Las Vegas.
I'm scared for Jason and I'm scared for myself. But probably more scared for Jason.
click
click
click
The itch is scratched.
How clean is clean?
Always an addict
174 days
Am I clean enough for you?
I think I'm stained.
who are you?
what's your name?
Wish I had more. Wish I did more.
want more
What are you looking at?
don't stop
don't stop
Can you handle this?
Can you handle me?
i've been chewing less gum. i've been trying to quit skin picking
i've been working. i've been shelving books and opening boxes.
i've been taking the bus a lot. i'm sitting on the bus with a clip in my hair while it's wet so it dries how i want it to.
i've been learning the trees. i've been learning their names. i've been learning their faces.
i've been cradling the moon in my palms and giving her a kiss on the forehead.
i've been playing pool. i haven't been reading a lot lately.
i wonder if my books long for my embrace. i wonder if they know that i love them and that i will read them someday. hopefully soon.